Making room

Putting anxiety in a chokehold, rejecting projection, and loving on little me to cherish woman me.

Girl Happy December.

I am sitting on this bed typing as I wait for the Uber eats man to deliver this burger and fry I spent the last 2.5 hours ruminating over whether I wanted.
As the year comes to a close, I am realizing more concretely that I want to leave overthinking and anxiety behind me in 2025.

I don’t know that I have always had anxiety or stress about life. I think that just through time, hard experiences, and stressful encounters it developed like most coping mechanisms do. I was supposed to go to a birthday kickback tonight, but because I didn’t know the girl that well, it’s cold, and I can’t expense an hour plus uber home right now, I opted out of the potentially new social experience to make new friends. A part of this makes me sad as I used to jump at opportunities like this, but now I just want things to feel good as I step into them, to feel idk.. safe.

It doesn’t help that I live with younger people that even though they mean well, occasionally make rude comments surrounding age, dating, or just overall existing.

It doesn’t feel good to hear a 22 year old tell you that they can tell that you are tired of your job, but they fail to notice that you are tired of how they show up selfish in living dynamics at times or have eaten the things that you can only buy with said frustrating job after expressing not to do it more than once. (among other grievances that you push to let go because this is a nice apartment and you are just happy to not be fighting the pests of nyc.)

At the end of this month, I will be somewhere new again, and even though this sublet wasn’t bad I am ready for a new place with new people who haven’t decided that they know me well enough to put me in a box or psychoanalyze me. I do still pray for heating and laundry prayerfully, as well as it to be affordable and not so unnecessarily far from work. I haven’t given up on a lease, but rather, I don’t want to punish myself emotionally anymore if I can’t get to where I’d like to be in some imaginary timeline that I have forced upon myself.

Nothing should be forced, and I am done with doing so.

There are certain dynamics in the bulk of my twenties I tried to force for lack of better knowledge, patience, and overall understanding. Friendships, romantic encounters, employers to see me, people to be kind that just didn’t want to. And that is something that I am ready to let go of, arguably already have.

The first stage is acknowledgement I guess.

I also have noticed in the past few months, I have tried to force a relationship with alcohol again, knowing it is just not for me. God literally told me, and what did I do? try to drink again. But now the jokes on me. Having wine (or anything alcoholic) leaves me sick, stuffy, and feeling totally unwell now. It’s not worth it, socially or personally and even though I have fond memories with it, I have to part ways with the murky substance for good. (Plus it’s horrible for my skin and adds unneccessary ass weight when it was hard enough getting this body together.) And yeah, let’s just go ahead and add in the spiritual implications in while we are at it.

I have to stop thinking that I am missing out if I don’t go to this event, drink this drink, sex or entertain this man, or get picked by this job. I just want to be and not take in everyone elses stuff. And I’d say that that is a reckoning that I am happy to finally reach. It has taken time, and I do still struggle at times, so I am being more mindful of other’s projections to who I should be versus how I actually want to live and feel about my own life. Also to remember that anything and anyone meant to be for me and in my life, will be. My past happened because it was meant to,not because I inherently was deserving of rejection or sadness. Things end, and seasons change, but what God has for me I can’t mess it up. I am worthy of good things and good people, and it’s never too late for God to make better blessings happen. I don’t have to keep looking back thinking that is the best it will ever be.

This led me to see that maybe I have been beating myself up for being different in what I like now, and what agrees with me. Sometimes I feel abnormal compared to my friends and other 29 year old’s. And that stems from childhood where I struggled at times to not feel out of place and needing to prove myself in some capacity. I wanted always to have friends and companionship, even if that meant fitting in to a mold that wasn’t created for me. My mother says that I don’t have anything to prove and she’s absolutely right even though that always is easier to say out loud than actually applying. I have spent a decade (minimally) “proving” myself to different people or entities and it left me exhausted, sad, and often feeling rejected. So I want to try a different approach, one that makes me feel loved and increases the love that God has been working ever so diligently on within me as a person, as a woman. I can’t confuse what sometimes feels like isolation, as my discernment telling me which places, people or things are actually not the most compatible. It’s okay for me to be sure in my decisions, my wants, my needs.

I am looking forward to being more gentle to and with myself, and believing that where my feet are is good for the moment. Not worrying about where are they going next every single moment, but rather embracing the rest while I can. The solitude. The joy. The sobriety. The peace. It’s enough.

And so am I.

Until Next Time,

C

“She is clothed in strength and dignity, she laughs without fear of the future.” -Proverbs 31:25