Processing to Press forward

Cleaning house, old love, and new life.

My tears are hot

My heart aches at the thought of never calling you friend again

Lover soured that’s fine

But no longer friend hurts different

Stings like hot burns

White hot

Why do I always feel so alone

Why is it my path that feels so unfinished

No longer talking to you ever again

Hurts a lot

I’ll get over it soon

I saw the engagement and the ring was beautiful

A bunch of spoken wishes

Sucked dry just like that

I’m glad you found someone who made you feel safe

I’m still figuring out who I am

How to be safe

How to be me

My mentor said that I sound strong now

She doesn’t know that I crumpled many times before we talked

Crumple many times after

It’s best I get it all out

All of the tears all of the hope all of the attachment

Mama says this is good because when I meet whoever is meant to be

No more of my heart will be occupied by you

I’m embarrassed to be this upset

you occupying my brain like you paying rent

like why am I tripping, are you kidding?

Stricken with grief that I took and stored away

Wrapped up in wire and pushed underneath the dirt

It’s poking out of the soil now

Exposing me as a fraud

Supposed to be over you

I moved through life living trying to forget you and us

That last night on your balcony

Words unspoken

We both knew it was over but struggled to call it

I knew you didn’t want me anymore

even though I still wanted you

I pulled the trigger

And when you left I took it to the chest

Can’t be with people who don’t want to be with you

Can’t love anyone more just to keep them

Can’t deny myself full love for half

So I cry at night the past few nights

I blame it on pms

And it helps to release the stillness of us

Never being

Unfinished

Unspoken

Frozen in time part of my heart

and the version of me that loved you

I let go because

it’s time

To look forward.

C.

Don’t remember the former things; don’t ponder ancient history. Look! I’m doing a new thing; see how it springs up, don’t you perceive it? I’m making a way in the desert, paths in the wilderness. - Isaiah 43:18-19